Comments on Alice's and Brendan's drafts

Hi guys,

It was great to read your drafts! I'm looking forward to workshopping them today in class.

Alice - It was so great to see how all of your work came together after reading your sources - you did a great job including so many fascinating primary sources that really helped you to tell your story. The details you included about the violence and motivations of the Pinkertons, Jameses, and strikers gave a lot of depth to the paper, and I actually really thought you wrote very eloquently about some not so eloquent topics, i.e. very graphic violence. One of my questions is, what exactly is the structure that you have envisioned for your paper? I know you haven't quite finished (don't worry, I haven't either!) but as it is, I see a lot of possible structures - which is a good thing! The paper can go in a lot of ways and leaves a lot of questions which I think is a huge goal of a paper like this. I think focusing on the violence is one of your key points, but so is discussing the tension between the Pinkertons "extra-legal" policing and the actual public police. While I think both of these are crucial to your paper as well as very interesting, I'm curious as to whether one or the other could take a lead role, to make the structure of the paper more clear. Just as a side note, one thing that I would really appreciate as a reader is a more thorough description of the Homestead strike - what was it about, what precipitated it, the details - just because I really don't have any knowledge of it, and it made that portion of the paper a little confusing. I really enjoyed reading this draft and I think you did an amazing job of incorporating a lot of informative primary sources that really added to your argument!

Brendan - I think you have a really great start to your paper. The introduction and parts you have written are great signposts for how you intend to tell the story of these men and women and what you want to say about their experiences, and you clearly designate several issues and questions you plan to delve into, which was great. I think your incorporation of quotes and statistics is extremely effective and add a lot to the narrative structure of the paper, and there were so many interesting things I'd never heard of. You have a great voice in this paper, and everything you say clearly adds to your argument while still bringing up additional questions, Some questions that I would like to have addressed are, how exactly did the experience of going to war or being in the military change their experiences once they returned home? I'm also curious to hear more about the Zoot Suit Riots and what they said about relationship between the military and Latinos. In terms of writing, I found your introduction very helpful and informative, but I also think that as a reader I would appreciate more clarity in your explanation of why the interviews are most likely accurate. I'm looking forward to reading your final draft!